Two Birds with One Stone

August 4, 2018

I was oblivious to how much weight I’d gained until I started to grow out of my underwear just recently! Has anyone else ever done that? Oh my God, it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable! And it makes the workday a nightmare. I weighed myself and discovered that I’d gained about twenty pounds within the last year, most of that probably due to my most recent bout of binge drinking.

I sat down and tried to estimate how many calories I was consuming on a daily basis and was horrified to discover that I was drinking around 1,000 calories in beer and vodka every night. For a solid two months I’d developed a routine in which I drank continuously from the time I got home from work until I passed out somewhere between 1 or 2 in the morning. It’s like I was training for a contest. I couldn’t have done any better if I was a real alcoholic. The result was that I was about to bust out of my clothes. I don’t want to buy new clothes! So, for the past month I’ve been obsessively tracking my calories in a spreadsheet, attempting to average about 1200 a day until I feel comfortable in my own skin again. This has pretty much solved two problems at the same time. It’s obnoxious, but I’m eating less crap and haven’t had a drink since I started doing it…

Why the hell did I think I could get away with that? I was going to end up weighing 400 pounds.

People act like there’s some kind of voodoo involved in balancing the variables required to maintain or lower your body weight. I think it’s probably not that complicated. Stop putting so much shit in your face! Good metabolism or bad, if there is such a thing (I hope not because I don’t want to jinx it and somehow wind up with one), it’s easier to gain weight than to lose it. Changing nothing else, it can take a solid week to lose a pound of fat by restricting your calories. That’s a long time to wait to witness a dramatic change. I’m not going to be one of those people who makes some nominal change for a couple of weeks and then decides I must have a bad metabolism and go back to my binging. I’m not delusional enough to think I can keep doing that. I’m going to wear a size 6 again before the year’s over and then never let this happen again.

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